Sunday, December 13, 2009

Can You Power A Sailing Boat With A Fan




I decided to tell a story. Like all stories are observed beginning with a "Once upon a time ..."


There once was a fat child and naive, but so naive as to not know yet to be neither fat nor naive, because in addition to being a quite impressive thinness, juggles spigliatamente among her peers, wreaking havoc and killings in the hearts of doe-eyed. As a child, and not having yet had the mental disorders of adolescence, hormones, girls and everything else, you could not consider at all affected by some eating disorder, ate plenty, drank enough, it was poop regularly, but could not do increase the fat layer that some of his peers cradled so sweetly. Not that it mattered much, but the fat man hidden inside him pawing and shaking from the pain, shouting and cursing (and acciderboline ciribiricolccole) desiring one day to be able to win the freedom of that body, skin and bones. It was the eighties, the second half, when the world was still divided between good and bad and although we did not know clearly distinguish what were (the good and the bad ones I mean), TV screens are more convex dreams that never aired in the form of Japanese animation, with its depopulated the Commodore 64 and Amiga with that of the twenty-six, he has taught for addiction computer science and love for technology. The days ran long and endless, the weeks turn into months and then lasted blinks of an eye when we stopped to riosservarle. Autumn is finally dreamed forward to a snowy Christmas and throughout the remainder of those four weeks of summer were the only oratorio coveted goal, where the time to be bored with the one that was so narrowly accepted banknote with the face of Galileo dated by your mother in the morning, you could buy an ice cream or candy and twenty fags spend it all in, to find the missing figurines Volpi Poggi and no one had ever even seen from a distance with binoculars.



Meanwhile, the fat che è in ogni individuo, si anche in voi, si dimenava: “Perché mangi tutte quelle caramelle e merendine e non mi concedi la libertà?” ma il Bambino Grasso Che Non Sapeva Ancora Di Esserlo non lo ascoltava, anzi non lo sentiva nemmeno, talmente si crogiolava nel suo autocompiacimento dell’essere smilzo.
Passò qualche anno che il Bambino Non Ancora Grasso trascorse tra alti e bassi, lunghi e stretti, spessi e sottili, senza mai ascoltare il ciccione che era in lui, non dandogli la minima chance, la minima aspettativa, la minima briciola di pasticcino.



Fu così che una sera, dopo l’ennesima iniezione di penicillina in una partita contro gli Mumps won at the last 2 to 1 with a kick at the end, the fat man took control: the guard was lowered, the Child Magro was exhausted for the disease or just thought for a moment how beautiful life from non-fat groped making plans to conquer the world. The Fat, with a skilled and agile maneuver unworthy of its nearly 100 pounds, Magro relegated the Child in its deepest subconscious, starting to gulp down tons of snacks Mulino Bianco, tons of Nutella, pounds and pounds of trash, losing interest for girls, sports, and almost all interpersonal relationships. The domain undisputed ruler of this fat was so early. I wish I could say Magro that the Child was somehow aware of his status of "not more", but in captivity, along with too much sugar eaten up, they send the brain into baby food, the pancreas to the creator or even the awareness of having the tits could move him from its torpor. In the early days followed the first few months as the programs followed the pounds overweight, over the years, the faded colors of life around him: all shades of red and yellow heat lost, the indigo blue were transformed soon ashen alteration of what had once been; also green and orange when they lost their meaning of existence, the Fat Boys were no more than the white and black. Ormai il numero dei menti somigliava sempre più alle pieghe di una fisarmonica; l’addome, ormai simile a quello dell’omino Michelin, cascava sopra dei pantaloni larghi abbastanza per farci entrare il proprio padre; la schiena si incurvava e le ginocchia faticavano a reggere cotanto peso adattandosi in pieghe malsane.
A sua discolpa, Sua Grossezza il Lord dei Prosciutti non era del tutto stupido, anzi era ai livelli di intelligenza del suo prigioniero sottopeso; era curioso, imparava alla svelta e faceva galoppare la fantasia ad una velocità impressionante. Forse è per questo motivo che il suo dominio incontrastato durò così a lungo, è risaputo infatti che nessun sovrano mantiene il potere senza una buona dose di arguzia, intelligence, contempt of danger and a supply of semi infinite cov Mulino Bianco. His empire in fact pass unharmed through the revolutionary upheavals of puberty, the upheavals of early adolescence, keeping well away from the disappointment in love, girls, and sometimes even by his friends for the sole purpose of preserving power.


The years flew low between primary candied fruit, chocolate cream and the end of the First Republic, and those averages hover without quotes of any kind other than the election of '96 that you still pay for the mistakes , and in a remote desert ITIS between Como and Varese, flew over the period of Pindaric between a new Europe and the Genoa G8.






One evening, the wind changed. And it did not bring with it more or the fragrance of youth, nor the taste of high-calorie food, but only a new breeze of hidden knowledge and hidden and suppressed that reached the dark secret that the poor child was left locked Magro for more than ten years. The wind always brings with it a counsel, who is listening, it's a "put on your hat that makes a cool cat" or "put a foot in the October Revolution", it does not matter. The fact is that during that night, our hero escaped from the dungeons where for more than a decade was remained shut. It is an exciting story full of twists, a couple of flashbacks, the butler invariably guilty and a surprise ending involving a priest, a Swiss Canton viados and the Government, but this is not no place nor time for tell it.
It was already evening when, taking advantage of the excessive attention of a guard for his noisy ass obese, that person who was the Child Magro sneaked into the throne room. Hidden behind the sumptuous curtains, past colorful tapestries and paintings of old gray-haired, the monarch could be seen bent under the weight of its chili and exhausted from too much food swallowed. The eyes were still lively and dreamy, but the look did not seem happy or hungry, just tired, and when crossed to the Magro who had been a child, with a smile Messer Porcello grassissima dissolved in a soap bubble, leaving behind nothing but a scent lard. And the skinny girl understood. He understood that the Stout had always been within him, which were nothing more than the double side of the coin, the same half of pandoro, the two butts of the same sausage and that neither could live without the other in a eternal alternation, in an eternal struggle between good and evil, between freedom and slavery of calories from sweets, including obesity and anorexia.
still the thin man happy lives of its thinness, and never forget what it was twenty-five kilos ago, without having to forgive the baby fat in one day so far, took control of his life. Without forgive him for having made him regret the wasted years remorse or missed opportunities, the Child was the one who occasionally Magro, now allows the fat that is in him to have a good time for a few minutes with a little 'chocolate or a feast of bread and cheese, and is still looking for a woman who may be able to share with him the memories of a childhood spent on the baby fat.






We can not save anyone from themselves.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Sample Catholic Confirmation Letter

Mein Beruf


"Was machst du von Beruf?" Is one of the first things I learned in Germany, along with "Wie geht's?" And "Deine Titten machen mich wahnsinnig."
Well, what am I doing working here in Germany? Well if you can explain it to my mother, you are very good, I do not have it done. Not because she does not know what a photon or what is an FPGA, a nurse mica studied by scientists, but I think even my father, who comes from a technical education, has some difficulty explaining to his friends because his son, the tender age of 25 years, has given up home, family, work, the row of women who waited at the door (although my house even had the door) to go in a foreign land to seek his fortune. Well since my company, or where I work. The company is not mine, of course, otherwise I would have to enjoy my decamila € per month with a beer and a thousand pounds in hand, certainly not to write on the blog.
Here I work here, pay no attention to the gray skies of Berlin, this is set as "default color".





I have my desk, my computer, a lot of paperwork, a lot 'of disorder and internet access in GA that I dreamed the night. We have the espresso machine subject to unlimited tax paid by the company, but the sugar you need to bring from home. Like, "why?" Here one thinks of health: caffeine, no diabetes. To be honest is a bit 'a euphemism for the word "espresso", but the pig makes the device work perfectly, because my Polish colleague was the cradle as her granddaughter. Fortunately, our coffee is not comparable to the liquid tar that you need the Polimi style vending machines.



The working day began punctually: between 8 am and 11.30 am more or less everyone in the office and more or less do their eight hours a day. For my arrival at 9:05 and I leave at 17:15, eight hours for work, 10 minutes lunch break. You work to live not the other way.
First thing to do, right after you turn on your computer, check the countless e-mails I receive e-mail on the job. A week or two, usually. Contrary to what he does any other Italian worker with an internet connection available, I ordered not to use Facebook at work is a matter of fairness, why do not you come and say that I love hanging around instead of doing my duty . But what exactly is my duty? Simply put my professional role is that of a developer firmware (VHDL based) on FPGA platforms della famiglia Xilinx per applicazioni di management ed elaborazione di campioni provenienti da sistemi di misure fotoniche... Capito un cazzo, eh? Vediamo se ce la faccio a farvi un esempio. Un mesetto fa il capo mi dice che quello che prima si faceva fare al software, mo me lo devo smazzare io in hardware. Proviamoci, dico io. Dopo una settimana di schizzi, scarabocchi, bestemmie (in italiano), ore ed ore a pensare, ad interpretare ed evidenziare, ho partorito questo:


first


Come potete leggere chiaramente, il tutto funzionava benissimo. Peccato non facesse il lavoro per il quale era stato progettato. Allora ho tirato fuori questo dopo circa un’altra settimana e mezza:


final


Ovviamente, dopo avere eseguito una bel po’ di test, sulla carta il tutto funziona da Dio, come il seguente grafico può dimostrare:


test_g


Peccato che, ad oggi, dopo un mese di lavoro, una volta provato sull’apparato, non funzioni una cippa e mandi in crash il computer sul quale lo sto testando. Il capo oggi, molto amichevolmente, mi ha dato due settimane per sistemarlo. Ma settimana prossima è l’ultima prima del mio rientro in Italia per le feste, quindi speriamo di cavare qualche ragno dal buco. Ad ogni modo, questa è la dimostrazione che i hard years of study at the university are served something that I learned that a good engineer is aware of its potential and knows his chances. You saw how I was good inside when those spaces? But they are not completely satisfied of matching color, I missed the blue and I had to use the pen. For Christmas I'll give a box of crayons.

Hard work, in Germany, also brings sweet rewards. Like this one:



Or a chocolate Lindth St. Nicholas with a lot of "Frohes Fest!" Written on it.
For those who were wondering if: you, our secretary spoil us ...


Then, every time the boss comes out with the bears ...



... or with the thirteenth and fourteenth year as ... I prefer the bears to two months per year, eh, but it makes no sense to argue. : D


In recent months, moreover, I also had to deal with the Penguins. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I am not referring to those not in clerical garb and even the poor prisoners of the zoo in Berlin. One fine day a package arrives for my Russian colleague with a nice label like this:





Since the size of the box, boh, a 10x10x10cm cube, l’idea che possa contenere dei pinguini era alquanto improbabile.
Beh, che stupido,certo è pure scritto sull’etichetta che non ci sono pinguini all’interno. Però magari è un divieto: divieto ai pinguini di portare il frack, c’è anche il papillon! No, non credo.
Vietato appoggiare pinguini sulla scatola! Geniale, magari ci appoggio un cane, un gatto, un tenero koala, ma non un cazzo di pinguino!
No way.
Ci sono! La scatola contiene pericolosi oggetti satanici, non adatta a suore sotto la maggiore età (65 anni).
No non ci siamo: non dare la scatola ai pinguini, potrebbero conquistare il mondo o, chessò, la libertà. Beh potrebbe andare se the penguins look like these here on the side. I finally had to ask someone more experienced than me (Google) to find out that the signal in question indicates that you should not freeze the packaging. I would expect quite a snowflake crossed, a refrigerator closed with a padlock, a lemon ice on a red background, but not a penguin in frack.

Some might now ask: but after all these fucking six months you can know what did you do at work? Or should we believe you drank coffee, defeated the Penguins, eating biscuits, chocolate and murdered the entire world population of gummy bears and drawn with crayons writing (with an illegible writing) words in English macaroni on a sheet of paper which would certainly have liked to stay a tree while they are not forced to use so infamous?

So does that mean I failed, I'm a bad writer, I could not explain, I failed to convey clearly the result of my so hard and arduous work.
I could ask the boss for a further confirmation, to understand how to be more clear, but may confuse you even more since last week I changed the neon lights in all offices, because I was the only high enough.



Post Scriptum: For those who want to learn more about the gummy bears council this post.



... Semm and I left, touch
cum de de védar büceer a touch, a life
Noeva ended quand el maar
while you qéla vœgia the pica scpáll the ...